Weblog

Saturday, 24 October 2009

  • revelations

    ok, so just lately i have felt so incredibly trapped.im away from all of my friends and family and my ED is coming back and my bipolar is playing up and everything was shit.

    yesterday me and the boyfriend had a row.i started it. i said i couldnt do it. we neede to break up.

    we went through the motions but then we sat and talked and everything came out.

    stuff i do that annoys him, things he does to annoy me. hes pissed over my obsession with my ED and thinks im fine and lovely blah blah blah and i said he has anger problems.

    i then continued to eat 2000kcals in the form of bread and pastries.

    but, im gna let it slide cz for the past 2 weeks ive been on 1200 a day and doing pretty good.

    so, i cant exercsie and altho im not eating much, im not losing weight.

    its kind of annoying that the bf wants to stay in and watch films cuz i can practically feel my ass growing an inch for every minute i sit there. he almost wont let me to the gym cuz hes scared il get obsessed. all i want to do is a bit of exercise a day and lose some fat. eat the way i want and get thinner.

    we talked for ages, and this morning, i woke up feeling a lot better.

    ive eaten 800 today and im now having alcohol which rounds me up to 1000kcals today. thats ok. in 3 weeks its my birthday and i aim to get in a dress size smaller by then. 21 days, thats gta be doable. il just take longer in the pool and go for walks and stuff, even just toning in the house has gta count ryt??

    any tip`s any1? cuz the longer i sit doing nothing the more i tend to think about eating. i dont want to start bingeing again, ive been doing so good after such a long time.....i want to be 120lbs!

    XDX

Thursday, 15 October 2009

  • red ribbon

    there it was. another red ribbon, ryt in front of my nose tonyt in the bar. fuck suicide

    im gna do this.

    i did this once i can do it again,

    i can

    im not going to die im going to get exactly what i want.

    XDX

Monday, 12 October 2009

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

  • uh oh

    shit

    am depressed. we broke up. we fucked again. he went

    i turned to the bottle

    i am 3 parts drunk

    oooops! and i had been doing so good with regards to the alchoholiasm

    FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i hate jack

    but ilove him

    im devestated that hes gone for good

    i dnt even know if i care

    maybe all these months have solved nothign. it doesnt take much to send me over teh edge.

    i mean, god, it was over him b4. now ive bee nkicked out of uni, been abused beyond i ever thougth possible, lost friends, lost money, lost fam,ily. everything has discintergrated right before my eyes.

    and now hes gone. for good.for real. and i shud be pleased but somehow i felt empty. i didnt want to cut so i got a small bottle of wie.thought that wud help. then another one...............now ive had 2 small ones and 2 big ones and have just driven (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to the store to buy vodka. i am on a full scale fully blown all out oldschool binge and a part of me doesnt give a shit.

    im back to the thoughts death may not be so bad.

    ????????????????/

    XDX

  • back

     been ages since i wrote on here, i have been AWOL! i literally had meltdown ive been taken everywhere and ive only just come back down to earth.

    things with jack went from bad to worse. we broke up. the terrible thing is that despite everything i want him back.

    ive been getting really into sex and the city, and ive just started getting back into the swing of life, meeting friends etc.

    so, my body is substancially smaller than it was when i left here last, i am down 2 sizes, 2 more to go til im where i want to be.

    i have a plan - obviously

    drink water and green tea and coffee unlimited amts.

    eat ONLY. fruit, salad and fish. thats it

    take slim shots as directed and do exercise 3 times a day whether it is 10 minutes or a full hour session. even three 10 minutes adds up to half an hour. lots of skipping and running.

    im really determined to sort my life out now and get off of all these meds. They gave me another diagnosis, i am now bipolar, eating disordered, have adhd and a personality disorder. fantastic.....

    whatever, hope all u xangans are doing well, i shall make more of an effort with this site again now.

    XDX